I have had several conversations lately with other parents about how much I just long to be selfish again. How weekends are never a time for relaxation when you have kids. I have thrown myself a pity party about how tough it is to work full time, run a household, and still have time to play with your kids. While doing it all...you lose your abilty to sometimes put yourself first.
Today I was determined to "spoil" myself and be selfish. I was able to get off of work early and I was so excited to go get a pedicure and manicure (something I haven't done in quite a while). I headed to a new nail place in town figuring I would give them a shot at some business. I was hoping for an hour of relaxation and me time, but I quickly learned that was not going to happen. What started out as a less than adequate pedicure, soon turned into a horrible manicure when the girl filed my nail so hard that I started gushing blood. I first acted like it was no big deal and tried to be nice about it. But after 10 minutes of constant bleeding I had to "woman up" and just say that I needed to be done. The girl felt horrible and gave me a $5.00 discount on the pedicure. I paid her and said, "Normally I would tip you, but I hope you understand that in this case I just can't". She understood and I am sure was embarrassed.
So what have I learned in all of this? Well I guess I was given a little reminder that it is not always good to be selfish. I know I still need to have my "me" time, but maybe I need to appreciate the busy, selfless life I have and stop complaining. On that note, I am off to pick my kids up early from daycare. They may be the reason that I am not allowed to be selfish, but they are the reason my life is so blessed and that is something I am truly happy about.
Want to know who I really am? What I've learned, What I stand for, What I love? Take a look inside!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Gavin: A week in review
It's hard to believe that it has been 1 week and 1 day since my precious little Gavin had some life changing events take place. For those of you who have been wondering what happened to my sweet little boy here is my week in review.
It was last Thursday (July 19th), an uneventful day, and one of the last few days of my maternity leave, so I was soaking up every bit of smiles with Gavin. That evening Jeff had to work until 9pm and Isabel had swimming lessons, so Gavin, Isabel and I headed to the gym where her lessons take place. I decided to drop Gavin off at the gym daycare so I could watch Isabel in her last swim lesson. It was 1/2 way through the swim lesson and one of the daycare staff members came to get me. She said she was having a hard time getting Gavin to stop crying and he was breathing kind of strange. I went into Kids Zone, picked up Gavin and he stopped crying immediately. I figured he was just tired and needed to be in familiar arms in order to fall asleep. We headed home, I put Gavin to bed about 8:30 and although he seemed fussy he fell asleep. Then at 1am he woke up very upset and I was not able to get him to take a bottle. He spent the rest of the night in my arms, neither of us getting any sleep. The morning came and I decided to call my mom to see if she could come pick up Isabel and take her to daycare because Gavin was so cranky. I had plans on calling the pediatrician as soon as 8am came. Instead of my mom showing up, my dad came to my front door. He took a look at Gavin and it was about 2 minutes and he said, "Beth I think we need to take Gavin to the emergency room". He was very calm, so I remained calm too. I proceeded to get Isabel in the car, and my dad said "let's not take her to daycare, lets just go straight to the ER". I started to worry. Then my dad says, "I'm just going to hold Gavin in my arms in the car". It was then that I knew my Dad was very worried for Gavin even though he remained very calm.
We made it to the ER at Avera and they swiftly brought Gavin back to a room. They ordered a chest xray immediately, a nebulizer treatment and wanted to start an IV. I think we all suspected that maybe Gavin had RSV, of something respiratory. But, the chest xray came back and to our surprise they told us that Gavin's stomach was up in his left lung and had caused his lung to collapse. He was in respiratory distress because he was only using 1 lung to breath. The next moments were a blur and very chaotic. It included lots of attempts to start and IV, with no success, which only upset Gavin more and caused his breathing to become very difficult. At one point Jeff counted 15 nurses,doctors etc in the room and the Chaplin entered in the doorway. My heart sank and I tried to hold in my tears. I really thought we were going to lose him. They intubated Gavin in the ER and brought him up to the PICU where he lay almost lifeless awaiting surgery to pull down his stomach. It turns out Gavin has a congenital diaphragmatic hernia(CDH) that was very small during pregnancy and thus never showed up on an ultrasound prior to delivery. Most newborns diagnosed with CDH develop in utero with the stomach,kidney,spleen, or intestines in the lung cavity which is much more evident on an ultrasound. However, when that happens the organs don't develop as normal because they are all crammed in the lung cavity, and therefore the lung also fails to grow to normal size. So in Gavin's case we are very lucky that all his organs seem to have developed like "normal".
Surgery to repair the diaphragmatic hernia and pull the stomach back into place was a success thanks to a great surgeon and lots of prayers by all of you. Jeff and I finally had a sigh of relief, we thought we were in the clear. But after surgery the surgeon mentioned that along with CDH Gavin also has intestinal malrotation. This means (to the best of my knowledge), that his intestines do not sit like yours and mine, and are more likely to twist on itself. When this happens it cuts off blood supply to his intestines and they slowly start to die. The surgeon told me that we need to watch for vomiting as that is one of the first signs that his intestines my have twisted. Once that happens we have 6-8 hours to get Gavin into surgery for the best chance of saving all of intestines. I was sleep deprived and emotionally spent, and this news was too much to handle. For 11 weeks I thought I had a perfectly healthy baby and now I live with worry that we may be moments away from another emergency surgery.
Gavin is home now and has made an amazing recovery from his CDH surgery! I feel so blessed that so many parts of this experience have gone so well, but I can't help but have my moments of fear and negativity. In one week we will meet with the surgeon again, and I have LOADS of questions to ask him about treatment for intestinal malrotation. I'm not sure if another surgery will need to take place or not, but I am so anxious to get all my questions answered. In the meantime, I am trying to live in the moment with a baby boy that is oh so very happy. I believe that fear creates worry, and worry creates negativity, and negativity only creates more negativity so I need strength to be positive.
So if you are reading this right now, I selfishly ask that you take a moment to send positivity, strength, and prayers my way. I need prayers for Gavin that he continues to recover and that he is not faced with any complications. I need prayers for me as a mother that I may find strength to let go of my worries yet still be proactive in finding what's best for my baby. Most of all give thanks for the care Gavin received, the knowledge to know what to look out for if complications were to arise, and the gift of life. Jeff said to me yesterday, "would you rather have worry, but not have Gavin, or not have anything to worry about, but not have this amazing little boy?" And Jeff as always was a voice of reason. My life changed forever when Gavin became my son and I am blessed forever!
It's been a blur....but this was my week in review. I also started work in the midst of all of this and after 12 weeks of being absent, I am having a difficult time adjusting to being away from my son. Grandma Kathy is taking amazing care of Gavin and it definitely makes me feel safe knowing that he is in exceptional hands. So with that, I want to end this post with a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who has been there to pray for an support our family. I credit my dad for taking the first step in saving my son's life. My mom, Jeff's parents, my sister, and my sister in law for stepping up in amazing ways to not only care for Gavin, but also to take such good care of Isabel while Jeff and I were consumed by other things. And for the rest of my friends and family for offering your help, prayers and positive thoughts. You all are amazing, and I give thanks to each of you.
It was last Thursday (July 19th), an uneventful day, and one of the last few days of my maternity leave, so I was soaking up every bit of smiles with Gavin. That evening Jeff had to work until 9pm and Isabel had swimming lessons, so Gavin, Isabel and I headed to the gym where her lessons take place. I decided to drop Gavin off at the gym daycare so I could watch Isabel in her last swim lesson. It was 1/2 way through the swim lesson and one of the daycare staff members came to get me. She said she was having a hard time getting Gavin to stop crying and he was breathing kind of strange. I went into Kids Zone, picked up Gavin and he stopped crying immediately. I figured he was just tired and needed to be in familiar arms in order to fall asleep. We headed home, I put Gavin to bed about 8:30 and although he seemed fussy he fell asleep. Then at 1am he woke up very upset and I was not able to get him to take a bottle. He spent the rest of the night in my arms, neither of us getting any sleep. The morning came and I decided to call my mom to see if she could come pick up Isabel and take her to daycare because Gavin was so cranky. I had plans on calling the pediatrician as soon as 8am came. Instead of my mom showing up, my dad came to my front door. He took a look at Gavin and it was about 2 minutes and he said, "Beth I think we need to take Gavin to the emergency room". He was very calm, so I remained calm too. I proceeded to get Isabel in the car, and my dad said "let's not take her to daycare, lets just go straight to the ER". I started to worry. Then my dad says, "I'm just going to hold Gavin in my arms in the car". It was then that I knew my Dad was very worried for Gavin even though he remained very calm.
We made it to the ER at Avera and they swiftly brought Gavin back to a room. They ordered a chest xray immediately, a nebulizer treatment and wanted to start an IV. I think we all suspected that maybe Gavin had RSV, of something respiratory. But, the chest xray came back and to our surprise they told us that Gavin's stomach was up in his left lung and had caused his lung to collapse. He was in respiratory distress because he was only using 1 lung to breath. The next moments were a blur and very chaotic. It included lots of attempts to start and IV, with no success, which only upset Gavin more and caused his breathing to become very difficult. At one point Jeff counted 15 nurses,doctors etc in the room and the Chaplin entered in the doorway. My heart sank and I tried to hold in my tears. I really thought we were going to lose him. They intubated Gavin in the ER and brought him up to the PICU where he lay almost lifeless awaiting surgery to pull down his stomach. It turns out Gavin has a congenital diaphragmatic hernia(CDH) that was very small during pregnancy and thus never showed up on an ultrasound prior to delivery. Most newborns diagnosed with CDH develop in utero with the stomach,kidney,spleen, or intestines in the lung cavity which is much more evident on an ultrasound. However, when that happens the organs don't develop as normal because they are all crammed in the lung cavity, and therefore the lung also fails to grow to normal size. So in Gavin's case we are very lucky that all his organs seem to have developed like "normal".
Surgery to repair the diaphragmatic hernia and pull the stomach back into place was a success thanks to a great surgeon and lots of prayers by all of you. Jeff and I finally had a sigh of relief, we thought we were in the clear. But after surgery the surgeon mentioned that along with CDH Gavin also has intestinal malrotation. This means (to the best of my knowledge), that his intestines do not sit like yours and mine, and are more likely to twist on itself. When this happens it cuts off blood supply to his intestines and they slowly start to die. The surgeon told me that we need to watch for vomiting as that is one of the first signs that his intestines my have twisted. Once that happens we have 6-8 hours to get Gavin into surgery for the best chance of saving all of intestines. I was sleep deprived and emotionally spent, and this news was too much to handle. For 11 weeks I thought I had a perfectly healthy baby and now I live with worry that we may be moments away from another emergency surgery.
Gavin is home now and has made an amazing recovery from his CDH surgery! I feel so blessed that so many parts of this experience have gone so well, but I can't help but have my moments of fear and negativity. In one week we will meet with the surgeon again, and I have LOADS of questions to ask him about treatment for intestinal malrotation. I'm not sure if another surgery will need to take place or not, but I am so anxious to get all my questions answered. In the meantime, I am trying to live in the moment with a baby boy that is oh so very happy. I believe that fear creates worry, and worry creates negativity, and negativity only creates more negativity so I need strength to be positive.
So if you are reading this right now, I selfishly ask that you take a moment to send positivity, strength, and prayers my way. I need prayers for Gavin that he continues to recover and that he is not faced with any complications. I need prayers for me as a mother that I may find strength to let go of my worries yet still be proactive in finding what's best for my baby. Most of all give thanks for the care Gavin received, the knowledge to know what to look out for if complications were to arise, and the gift of life. Jeff said to me yesterday, "would you rather have worry, but not have Gavin, or not have anything to worry about, but not have this amazing little boy?" And Jeff as always was a voice of reason. My life changed forever when Gavin became my son and I am blessed forever!
It's been a blur....but this was my week in review. I also started work in the midst of all of this and after 12 weeks of being absent, I am having a difficult time adjusting to being away from my son. Grandma Kathy is taking amazing care of Gavin and it definitely makes me feel safe knowing that he is in exceptional hands. So with that, I want to end this post with a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone who has been there to pray for an support our family. I credit my dad for taking the first step in saving my son's life. My mom, Jeff's parents, my sister, and my sister in law for stepping up in amazing ways to not only care for Gavin, but also to take such good care of Isabel while Jeff and I were consumed by other things. And for the rest of my friends and family for offering your help, prayers and positive thoughts. You all are amazing, and I give thanks to each of you.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Remembering Megan
Many of you know who Megan Christopherson/Hoisington was. She was a friend to me and probably a friend to many of you too. So when her life tragically ended just 3 days after getting married, my heart was crushed. Megan's death probably hit me so hard because she was the first person close to me to die. I struggled for years....and I mean YEARS, on how to deal with or accept her passing. It wasn't until last year when I came across a youtube video that I finally got some closure. The video was made by a boy in high school who was suffering from a terrible heart condition. He told his story in words written on post cards. His story involved 3 near death experiences and what it felt like for him when they happened. One in particular happened while he was in school. He fell over in the hallway and remembered people rushing towards him. He writes that he left his body and was looking over himself as people worked on trying to revive him. The part of his story that hit me the most was when he said that his body went to a big white place and the minute he entered that environment he felt overwhelming feelings of peace and happiness. On the card he wrote, " I felt so good, I did not ever want to leave". I remember reading those words and thinking, doesn't he know that he has a mother at home that would be crushed without him? Friends that will miss him? I thought how could he not want to go home to his friends and family. And then it hit me! This is where Megan is. She is in a place so much more wonderful than here on earth. She feels no pain, no sadness. And although I still miss her, I now truly believe that she is in a better place.
So as I cry tears of selfishness that she is not here with me, I realize that she is living a much better life in heaven.
So let me now take some time to reflect on all the things that made Megan so special to me.
* Megan could talk, and talk and talk! She spoke so fast on the phone with me that I often had no clue what she was telling me about and I would just agree, or say "no way" hoping that fit in with what she just said.
* Megan hated cotton balls. Wierd I know. She hated to touch them! I thought it was so strange that in college I would randomly mail her packages of cotton balls just to freak her out :)
* Megan liked getting her way :) who doesn't right? She would order around her highschool boyfriend when she broke her foot, yell at her brother for just about anything....and all I could do was shake my head and laugh at what she could get away with.
* And most importantly, Megan valued her friends and loved her family. She always seemed to yell "I love you" to her mom, dad and brother when leaving the house. She called me almost weekly when she lived in Colorado just to stay in touch!
I know Megan's mother still misses her dearly, so I want Dawn to know just how special Megan was to her elementary, high school, and college friends. She will be forever missed and one day we will all see her again. Until then, I believe that she is talking the ears off of all the other people in heaven!
So as I cry tears of selfishness that she is not here with me, I realize that she is living a much better life in heaven.
So let me now take some time to reflect on all the things that made Megan so special to me.
* Megan could talk, and talk and talk! She spoke so fast on the phone with me that I often had no clue what she was telling me about and I would just agree, or say "no way" hoping that fit in with what she just said.
* Megan hated cotton balls. Wierd I know. She hated to touch them! I thought it was so strange that in college I would randomly mail her packages of cotton balls just to freak her out :)
* Megan liked getting her way :) who doesn't right? She would order around her highschool boyfriend when she broke her foot, yell at her brother for just about anything....and all I could do was shake my head and laugh at what she could get away with.
* And most importantly, Megan valued her friends and loved her family. She always seemed to yell "I love you" to her mom, dad and brother when leaving the house. She called me almost weekly when she lived in Colorado just to stay in touch!
I know Megan's mother still misses her dearly, so I want Dawn to know just how special Megan was to her elementary, high school, and college friends. She will be forever missed and one day we will all see her again. Until then, I believe that she is talking the ears off of all the other people in heaven!
Sunday, June 17, 2012
An Amazing Father
A few years ago I thought I was going to lose my Dad when he was involved in a traffic accident on his motor scooter. I actually came upon the accident shortly after it had happened and saw a motor scooter laying on the side of the road and the emergency crew placing someone into an ambulance. At the time I thought the scooter looked a lot like my dads, so while trying to remain calm I called my parents house. My mom answered and I calmly said "Hello mom, is Dad there?". She quickly answered with "No, your dad went out on his scooter to go to Lowes". And that is when I panicked! The next several hours were filled with adrenaline and sheer fear for my fathers life. Thank GOD for the helmet that my dad was wearing as it probably saved his life.
That day I remember thinking, what would I do if I didn't have my Dad? So today on Fathers Day I want to take some of your precious time to pay tribute to the amazing man that I am so lucky to call my Father!
Growing up my Dad would come home from a long days work, and we would rush to the door begging for him to take us swimming. He unselfishly would quickly change out of his clothes throw on his swimsuite and load us in the car (without even taking a moment to sit on the couch). On vacation he always said "Anything Goes". That meant if we wanted milkshakes for breakfast, well we got them because we were on vacation! And, my favorite quote from my father growing up was when he would tell me, " I can fix anything but a broken heart". He knew boys would be trouble and he wasn't going to try to conquer that task :)
But it's funny, some of my favorite things about my Dad are not the things he has done for me, but what he has done for other people. I remember being very young and riding in the car with my Dad and he was telling me that he trys to do 3 nice things for other people every day. And, what an example he was to me of how to treat other people with kindness. My dad for years has traveled the globe helping the many people who are not as fortunate as we are. From Mexico, to Africa, to Haiti my Dad has been a light for people living in a very dark world. He started a non-profit in Sioux falls to help feed the hungry called Kids Against Hunger. That food fills empty bellies of starving individuals. Not only that, but my Dad even has a child named after him in Africa, how special is that? Nonetheless, He never boasts about all he has done, but instead is very humbled by what these people have taught him about life!
So Dad, I want to acknowledge that you are not only the best father, you are an amazing man to all that know you. You will never know how many people have been positively affected by your presence here on earth. Thank you for not preaching to me what it is to be a good person, but being a man that leads by example in the work you do! That is the best life lesson of all!
Happy Father's Day, I love you Dad!!
That day I remember thinking, what would I do if I didn't have my Dad? So today on Fathers Day I want to take some of your precious time to pay tribute to the amazing man that I am so lucky to call my Father!
Growing up my Dad would come home from a long days work, and we would rush to the door begging for him to take us swimming. He unselfishly would quickly change out of his clothes throw on his swimsuite and load us in the car (without even taking a moment to sit on the couch). On vacation he always said "Anything Goes". That meant if we wanted milkshakes for breakfast, well we got them because we were on vacation! And, my favorite quote from my father growing up was when he would tell me, " I can fix anything but a broken heart". He knew boys would be trouble and he wasn't going to try to conquer that task :)
But it's funny, some of my favorite things about my Dad are not the things he has done for me, but what he has done for other people. I remember being very young and riding in the car with my Dad and he was telling me that he trys to do 3 nice things for other people every day. And, what an example he was to me of how to treat other people with kindness. My dad for years has traveled the globe helping the many people who are not as fortunate as we are. From Mexico, to Africa, to Haiti my Dad has been a light for people living in a very dark world. He started a non-profit in Sioux falls to help feed the hungry called Kids Against Hunger. That food fills empty bellies of starving individuals. Not only that, but my Dad even has a child named after him in Africa, how special is that? Nonetheless, He never boasts about all he has done, but instead is very humbled by what these people have taught him about life!
So Dad, I want to acknowledge that you are not only the best father, you are an amazing man to all that know you. You will never know how many people have been positively affected by your presence here on earth. Thank you for not preaching to me what it is to be a good person, but being a man that leads by example in the work you do! That is the best life lesson of all!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Stay At Home Mom
30 + years ago, I was raised by a wonderful stay at home mom. My mom made lunch for me before going to kindergarten. She picked me up from elementary school, and I never rode the bus. I never attended an after school or summer daycare. I was so lucky! In fact, I remember as I got older and my mom started working again part time, I would come home from school and miss that she was not there. I felt lost without her presence in the home. Growing up I liked having my mom at home, but I never really APPRECIATED everything she did.
Today, I am a mother of 2 children, and I am currently home on maternity leave with my 6 week old baby, Gavin. And boy have I realized VERY QUICKLY how much work it is to hold down the fort and stay at home. In fact, I still send my 3 year old to daycare everyday, just so I can manage taking care of Gavin. Between feedings, changes, baths, naps, washing clothes, doing dishes, and cleaning I have just enough time in the day to get a shower and brush my teeth! And somewhere in between all those "chores" I want to find time to interact and play with him! Now, don't feel sorry for me for all the work that goes into taking care of an infant. Any other mom out there would agree with me and say it's the best job in the world! BUT, IT'S THE HARDEST JOB TOO!
So today I give props to my own mother who made it look easy to take care of 3 growing children. and to all the other moms that stay at home, I send you my appreciation for the work you do! Working a "regular" job is much easier than the job you take on every day at home.
Lastly, to my co-workers who may be reading this and thinking, oh man is she going to come back? Well, the answer is yes! I do enjoy the lack of drama at my house, but I definitely miss adult conversation with some pretty amazing people! Although I LOVE staying at home, the truth is that I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. So when the end of July arrives with a heavy heart I will return to work missing my children terribly! Until then, I'm going to get in as much cuddle time as possible with Gavin for we all know kids grow up way too fast!
Today, I am a mother of 2 children, and I am currently home on maternity leave with my 6 week old baby, Gavin. And boy have I realized VERY QUICKLY how much work it is to hold down the fort and stay at home. In fact, I still send my 3 year old to daycare everyday, just so I can manage taking care of Gavin. Between feedings, changes, baths, naps, washing clothes, doing dishes, and cleaning I have just enough time in the day to get a shower and brush my teeth! And somewhere in between all those "chores" I want to find time to interact and play with him! Now, don't feel sorry for me for all the work that goes into taking care of an infant. Any other mom out there would agree with me and say it's the best job in the world! BUT, IT'S THE HARDEST JOB TOO!
So today I give props to my own mother who made it look easy to take care of 3 growing children. and to all the other moms that stay at home, I send you my appreciation for the work you do! Working a "regular" job is much easier than the job you take on every day at home.
Lastly, to my co-workers who may be reading this and thinking, oh man is she going to come back? Well, the answer is yes! I do enjoy the lack of drama at my house, but I definitely miss adult conversation with some pretty amazing people! Although I LOVE staying at home, the truth is that I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. So when the end of July arrives with a heavy heart I will return to work missing my children terribly! Until then, I'm going to get in as much cuddle time as possible with Gavin for we all know kids grow up way too fast!
Monday, June 11, 2012
I got my Re-Do
Postpartum depression is not a topic a lot of people feel comfortable talking about. It is certainly not something any woman would want after having a baby. But, being a "survivor" of postpartum depression, I don't want any woman out there who may be suffering to feel alone. So, here is my story.
3 years ago I had my first child. I had an amazing pregnancy and was so excited for the birth of our first baby, a baby girl. Life was running smoothly....until I delivered our baby girl. Initially, I was so thrilled to have such a beautiful baby. I was proud! But shortly after bringing our sweet Isabel home, I was consumed with how much our life was going to change. My husband felt that life was changing for the better.....I however, felt like life was changing for the worse. I spent many weeks living in a cloud of chaos and confusion. I felt anxious all the time. I didn't even feel like I was in my body, and my mind had gotten away from me. I wanted my old life back, the easy life. Even as I write this I am consumed with guilt that I had these empty feelings towards my daughter. I wanted to feel love towards her, but it just wasn't there. Thankfully, I am not an individual who hides her emotions so I talked with my husband about my feelings right away. I was able to seek help, get on medication and shortly after regained control of my life. As time went on, the depression and anxiety lessened and I was finally able to re-connect with my daughter. There are times when I am so thankful that she won't remember those first few months of her life. She won't remember me as mother who didn't love, or didn't care. It is thrilling to say that postpartum depression didn't last forever. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of, yet I can say that I was unable to control my thoughts and feelings on my own. To date, my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. She is the world to me! I hope that in the last 3 years I have made up for my lack of motherly love in the first few months.
I made it through postpartum depression, it was no longer a part of me. I had my life back! But then I got pregnant again and all I could think about was if that dark cloud would come out again after the birth of our second child. Will I be able to feel love for a child upon birth like most women feel? Or, will I be sucked back into a world of anxiety and stress? Well I am happy to report that having my second child was everything I had wished for. All I ever wanted was to be consumed with joy and love for my son. And thankfully those feelings were there. I can't even begin to describe to you how blessed I felt to have my heart bursting with love! I of course do feel guilty that my feelings towards my daughter were not the same as towards my son. However, I have to remember that it is nothing against my first born, it was not her fault. I have to believe that it wasn't even my fault. Sometimes certain things are against our control. But I do feel like I got my re-do in life! I got to wipe the slate clean after my first attempt at motherhood, and I got a re-do on what it feels like to be a new mom.
As both of my children continue to fill my life with happiness, I remember that although not all times are perfect, sometimes life does give you a re-do, and I am so thankful for that!
To my two beautiful children: You have made my life so full of joy and happiness! I can't imagine my life without you two. I vow to always be a mom who loves and supports you. But more importantly I will be there for you if you ever feel like you have lost control, feel hopeless, ashamed, or empty. Maybe I can help give you the re-do that was once granted to me!
3 years ago I had my first child. I had an amazing pregnancy and was so excited for the birth of our first baby, a baby girl. Life was running smoothly....until I delivered our baby girl. Initially, I was so thrilled to have such a beautiful baby. I was proud! But shortly after bringing our sweet Isabel home, I was consumed with how much our life was going to change. My husband felt that life was changing for the better.....I however, felt like life was changing for the worse. I spent many weeks living in a cloud of chaos and confusion. I felt anxious all the time. I didn't even feel like I was in my body, and my mind had gotten away from me. I wanted my old life back, the easy life. Even as I write this I am consumed with guilt that I had these empty feelings towards my daughter. I wanted to feel love towards her, but it just wasn't there. Thankfully, I am not an individual who hides her emotions so I talked with my husband about my feelings right away. I was able to seek help, get on medication and shortly after regained control of my life. As time went on, the depression and anxiety lessened and I was finally able to re-connect with my daughter. There are times when I am so thankful that she won't remember those first few months of her life. She won't remember me as mother who didn't love, or didn't care. It is thrilling to say that postpartum depression didn't last forever. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of, yet I can say that I was unable to control my thoughts and feelings on my own. To date, my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. She is the world to me! I hope that in the last 3 years I have made up for my lack of motherly love in the first few months.
I made it through postpartum depression, it was no longer a part of me. I had my life back! But then I got pregnant again and all I could think about was if that dark cloud would come out again after the birth of our second child. Will I be able to feel love for a child upon birth like most women feel? Or, will I be sucked back into a world of anxiety and stress? Well I am happy to report that having my second child was everything I had wished for. All I ever wanted was to be consumed with joy and love for my son. And thankfully those feelings were there. I can't even begin to describe to you how blessed I felt to have my heart bursting with love! I of course do feel guilty that my feelings towards my daughter were not the same as towards my son. However, I have to remember that it is nothing against my first born, it was not her fault. I have to believe that it wasn't even my fault. Sometimes certain things are against our control. But I do feel like I got my re-do in life! I got to wipe the slate clean after my first attempt at motherhood, and I got a re-do on what it feels like to be a new mom.
As both of my children continue to fill my life with happiness, I remember that although not all times are perfect, sometimes life does give you a re-do, and I am so thankful for that!
To my two beautiful children: You have made my life so full of joy and happiness! I can't imagine my life without you two. I vow to always be a mom who loves and supports you. But more importantly I will be there for you if you ever feel like you have lost control, feel hopeless, ashamed, or empty. Maybe I can help give you the re-do that was once granted to me!
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Finding purpose
I like to think of myself as a woman that for the most part has her life in order. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful children, loving and supportive family members, and a great job. Sounds beautiful right? Well of course, yet at 31 years of age, I have found that although I have all those things...something is still missing.
I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am reminded daily to not take those precious things for granted. But still, I find that sometimes life can just be a routine day to day occurrence, and I don't want those days to pass by too quickly without me truly "living" them.
So today is the start of an adventure where I find my true self. Find purpose in this amazing life I live. Discover what I am really here to do in my lifetime. And although I have no idea where this journey might lead me...I am excited to renew my life. Of course, I always want to be thankful and remember what I have so far that makes my life so special, and look forward to adding to those "staples" that have already been created.
I think this blog will be a place for me to spill my joys, my struggles, and my lessons learned. This is a spot where I won't let life pass me by, because I will be creating memories on paper. And maybe, just maybe someone reading this will find peace, laughter, and/or honesty, in what I write.
I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am reminded daily to not take those precious things for granted. But still, I find that sometimes life can just be a routine day to day occurrence, and I don't want those days to pass by too quickly without me truly "living" them.
So today is the start of an adventure where I find my true self. Find purpose in this amazing life I live. Discover what I am really here to do in my lifetime. And although I have no idea where this journey might lead me...I am excited to renew my life. Of course, I always want to be thankful and remember what I have so far that makes my life so special, and look forward to adding to those "staples" that have already been created.
I think this blog will be a place for me to spill my joys, my struggles, and my lessons learned. This is a spot where I won't let life pass me by, because I will be creating memories on paper. And maybe, just maybe someone reading this will find peace, laughter, and/or honesty, in what I write.
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