I got my Re-Do

Postpartum depression is not a topic a lot of people feel comfortable talking about. It is certainly not something any woman would want after having a baby. But, being a "survivor" of postpartum depression, I don't want any woman out there who may be suffering to feel alone. So, here is my story.

3 years ago I had my first child. I had an amazing pregnancy and was so excited for the birth of our first baby, a baby girl. Life was running smoothly....until I delivered our baby girl. Initially, I was so thrilled to have such a beautiful baby. I was proud! But shortly after bringing our sweet Isabel home, I was consumed with how much our life was going to change. My husband felt that life was changing for the better.....I however, felt like life was changing for the worse. I spent many weeks living in a cloud of chaos and confusion. I felt anxious all the time. I didn't even feel like I was in my body, and my mind had gotten away from me.  I wanted my old life back, the easy life. Even as I write this I am consumed with guilt that I had these empty feelings towards my daughter. I wanted to feel love towards her, but it just wasn't there. Thankfully, I am not an individual who hides her emotions so I talked with my husband about my feelings right away. I was able to seek help, get on medication and shortly after regained control of my life. As time went on, the depression and anxiety lessened and I was finally able to re-connect with my daughter. There are times when I am so thankful that she won't remember those first few months of her life. She won't remember me as mother who didn't love, or didn't care. It is thrilling to say that postpartum depression didn't last forever. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of, yet I can say that I was unable to control my thoughts and feelings on my own. To date, my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. She is the world to me! I hope that in the last 3 years I have made up for my lack of motherly love in the first few months.

I made it through postpartum depression, it was no longer a part of me. I had my life back! But then I got pregnant again and all I could think about was if that dark cloud would come out again after the birth of our second child. Will I be able to feel love for a child upon birth like most women feel? Or, will I be sucked back into a world of anxiety and stress? Well I am happy to report that having my second child was everything I had wished for. All I ever wanted was to be consumed with joy and love for my son. And thankfully those feelings were there. I can't even begin to describe to you how blessed I felt to have my heart bursting with love! I of course do feel guilty that my feelings towards my daughter were not the same as towards my son. However, I have to remember that it is nothing against my first born, it was not her fault. I have to believe that it wasn't even my fault. Sometimes certain things are against our control. But I do feel like I got my re-do in life! I got to wipe the slate clean after my first attempt at motherhood, and I got a re-do on what it feels like to be a new mom.

As both of my children continue to fill my life with happiness, I remember that although not all times are perfect, sometimes life does give you a re-do, and I am so thankful for that!

To my two beautiful children:  You have made my life so full of joy and happiness! I can't imagine my life without you two. I vow to always be a mom who loves and supports you. But more importantly I will be there for you if you ever feel like you have lost control, feel hopeless, ashamed, or empty. Maybe I can help give you the re-do that was once granted to me!