An Amazing Father

A few years ago I thought I was going to lose my Dad when he was involved in a traffic accident on his motor scooter. I actually came upon the accident shortly after it had happened and saw a motor scooter laying on the side of the road and the emergency crew placing someone into an ambulance. At the time I thought the scooter looked a lot like my dads, so while trying to remain calm I called my parents house. My mom answered and I calmly said "Hello mom, is Dad there?". She quickly answered with "No, your dad went out on his scooter to go to Lowes". And that is when I panicked!  The next several hours were filled with adrenaline and sheer fear for my fathers life. Thank GOD for the helmet that my dad was wearing as it probably saved his life.

That day I remember thinking, what would I do if I didn't have my Dad? So today on Fathers Day I want to take some of your precious time to pay tribute to the amazing man that I am so lucky to call my Father! 

Growing up my Dad would come home from a long days work, and we would rush to the door begging for him to take us swimming. He unselfishly would quickly change out of his clothes throw on his swimsuite and load us in the car (without even taking a moment to sit on the couch). On vacation he always said "Anything Goes". That meant if we wanted milkshakes for breakfast, well we got them because we were on vacation!  And, my favorite quote from my father growing up was when he would tell me, " I can fix anything but a broken heart". He knew boys would be trouble and he wasn't going to try to conquer that task :)

But it's funny, some of my favorite things about my Dad are not the things he has done for me, but what he has done for other people. I remember being very young and riding in the car with my Dad and he was telling me that he trys to do 3 nice things for other people every day. And, what an example he was to me of how to treat other people with kindness. My dad for years has traveled the globe helping the many people who are not as fortunate as we are. From Mexico, to Africa, to Haiti my Dad has been a light for people living in a very dark world. He started a non-profit in Sioux falls to help feed the hungry called Kids Against Hunger. That food fills empty bellies of starving individuals. Not only that, but my Dad even has a child named after him in Africa, how special is that? Nonetheless, He never boasts about all he has done, but instead is very humbled by what these people have taught him about life! 

So Dad, I want to acknowledge that you are not only the best father, you are an amazing man to all that know you. You will never know how many people have been positively affected by your presence here on earth. Thank you for not preaching to me what it is to be a good person, but being a man that leads by example in the work you do! That is the best life lesson of all!

Happy Father's Day, I love you Dad!!

Stay At Home Mom

30 + years ago, I was raised by a wonderful stay at home mom. My mom made lunch for me before going to kindergarten. She picked me up from elementary school, and I never rode the bus. I never attended an after school or summer daycare. I was so lucky! In fact, I remember as I got older and my mom started working again part time, I would come home from school and miss that she was not there. I felt lost without her presence in the home. Growing up I liked having my mom at home, but I never really APPRECIATED everything she did.

Today, I am a mother of 2 children, and I am currently home on maternity leave with my 6 week old baby, Gavin. And boy have I realized VERY QUICKLY how much work it is to hold down the fort and stay at home. In fact, I still send my 3 year old to daycare everyday, just so I can manage taking care of Gavin. Between feedings, changes, baths, naps, washing clothes, doing dishes, and cleaning I have just enough time in the day to get a shower and brush my teeth! And somewhere in between all those "chores" I want to find time to interact and play with him!  Now, don't feel sorry for me for all the work that goes into taking care of an infant. Any other mom out there would agree with me and say it's the best job in the world! BUT, IT'S THE HARDEST JOB TOO!

So today I give props to my own mother who made it look easy to take care of 3 growing children. and to all the other moms that stay at home, I send you my appreciation for the work you do! Working a "regular" job is much easier than the job you take on every day at home.

Lastly, to my co-workers who may be reading this and thinking, oh man is she going to come back? Well, the answer is yes! I do enjoy the lack of drama at my house, but I definitely miss adult conversation with some pretty amazing people! Although I LOVE staying at home, the truth is that I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. So when the end of July arrives with a heavy heart I will return to work missing my children terribly!  Until then, I'm going to get in as much cuddle time as possible with Gavin for we all know kids grow up way too fast! 

I got my Re-Do

Postpartum depression is not a topic a lot of people feel comfortable talking about. It is certainly not something any woman would want after having a baby. But, being a "survivor" of postpartum depression, I don't want any woman out there who may be suffering to feel alone. So, here is my story.

3 years ago I had my first child. I had an amazing pregnancy and was so excited for the birth of our first baby, a baby girl. Life was running smoothly....until I delivered our baby girl. Initially, I was so thrilled to have such a beautiful baby. I was proud! But shortly after bringing our sweet Isabel home, I was consumed with how much our life was going to change. My husband felt that life was changing for the better.....I however, felt like life was changing for the worse. I spent many weeks living in a cloud of chaos and confusion. I felt anxious all the time. I didn't even feel like I was in my body, and my mind had gotten away from me.  I wanted my old life back, the easy life. Even as I write this I am consumed with guilt that I had these empty feelings towards my daughter. I wanted to feel love towards her, but it just wasn't there. Thankfully, I am not an individual who hides her emotions so I talked with my husband about my feelings right away. I was able to seek help, get on medication and shortly after regained control of my life. As time went on, the depression and anxiety lessened and I was finally able to re-connect with my daughter. There are times when I am so thankful that she won't remember those first few months of her life. She won't remember me as mother who didn't love, or didn't care. It is thrilling to say that postpartum depression didn't last forever. It was a time in my life that I am not proud of, yet I can say that I was unable to control my thoughts and feelings on my own. To date, my daughter and I have a wonderful relationship. She is the world to me! I hope that in the last 3 years I have made up for my lack of motherly love in the first few months.

I made it through postpartum depression, it was no longer a part of me. I had my life back! But then I got pregnant again and all I could think about was if that dark cloud would come out again after the birth of our second child. Will I be able to feel love for a child upon birth like most women feel? Or, will I be sucked back into a world of anxiety and stress? Well I am happy to report that having my second child was everything I had wished for. All I ever wanted was to be consumed with joy and love for my son. And thankfully those feelings were there. I can't even begin to describe to you how blessed I felt to have my heart bursting with love! I of course do feel guilty that my feelings towards my daughter were not the same as towards my son. However, I have to remember that it is nothing against my first born, it was not her fault. I have to believe that it wasn't even my fault. Sometimes certain things are against our control. But I do feel like I got my re-do in life! I got to wipe the slate clean after my first attempt at motherhood, and I got a re-do on what it feels like to be a new mom.

As both of my children continue to fill my life with happiness, I remember that although not all times are perfect, sometimes life does give you a re-do, and I am so thankful for that!

To my two beautiful children:  You have made my life so full of joy and happiness! I can't imagine my life without you two. I vow to always be a mom who loves and supports you. But more importantly I will be there for you if you ever feel like you have lost control, feel hopeless, ashamed, or empty. Maybe I can help give you the re-do that was once granted to me!

Finding purpose

I like to think of myself as a woman that for the most part has her life in order. I have an amazing husband, two beautiful children, loving and supportive family members, and a great job. Sounds beautiful right? Well of course, yet at 31 years of age, I have found that although I have all those things...something is still missing.

I have many things in my life to be thankful for, and I am reminded daily to not take those precious things for granted. But still, I find that sometimes life can just be a routine day to day occurrence, and I don't want those days to pass by too quickly without me truly "living" them.

So today is the start of an adventure where I find my true self. Find purpose in this amazing life I live. Discover what I am really here to do in my lifetime. And although I have no idea where this journey might lead me...I am excited to renew my life. Of course, I always want to be thankful and remember what I have so far that makes my life so special, and look forward to adding to those "staples" that have already been created.

I think this blog will be a place for me to spill my joys, my struggles, and my lessons learned. This is a spot where I won't let life pass me by, because I will be creating memories on paper. And maybe, just maybe someone reading this will find peace, laughter, and/or honesty, in what I write.